Thank Heavens! Strom Thurmond Lines Cure COVID

In the university’s ongoing fight against COVID, President Pastides has finally caught a break.

“Some of my colleagues and I gathered around a few brewskis, a doobie, and a Grateful Dead 45, and we figured out how to solve the COVID crisis here at UofSC,” said Pastides in a recent press release. “If we make students wait in line for the gym, and then all pile in and out at the same time, we could see radical drops in infection rates.”

Pastides assembled a group of UofSC’s top scientists to test his theory: a diverse group of freshmen public health students, still drunk from the night before. After extensive and grueling research, the team hypothesized:


Added to the gym precautions was a 55-minute time limit. According to the extremely, super extensive research, COVID particles do not excrete from the body until after 56 minutes of “pumping iron.” Thus, by limiting the time, infections drop.

One gymgoer, Tork Dirkland, responded to the time limit by stating, “This kinda blows bro, like you know, my squat will probably go down by a whole plate. As long as I can still do curls though, because girls like, definitely love big bicep peaks.”

Since the gym restrictions went into place, infections have dropped to -3%, actually creating a black hole over campus that serves to suck COVID particles out of the air.