Successful, Tenured Professor Reignites Longstanding Feud With Basic Classroom Technology

This past Monday, a longstanding feud re-erupted on the University of South Carolina campus. During the 9:40am section of Ordinary Differential Equations, Dr. Heinrich Schlächten was reported to have an altercation with the projector in room 102. According to witnesses, Dr. Schlächten, a recipient of the Bôcher Memorial Prize, was unable to successfully plug in his laptop or turn on the projector, resulting in the professor attempting to destroy the overhead projector with a textbook.

According to campus police, this was not the first time the professor of mathematics had attempted to destroy school-owned technology. Since his hiring in 1973, Dr. Schlächten, who is world renowned for his expertise on dimensional Schramm–Loewner evolution, has brought violence against 20 different pieces of university technology, including slide projectors and chalkboards.

“This is a pattern of behavior against teaching technology,” read the official USCPD press briefing, “This feud between the professor and these methods of display must end.”

Jesse Abbott, another student in the Ordinary Differential Equations class also witnessed the savage attack. “I was honestly kind of frightened,” she commented. “Dr. S was yelling a lot, saying stuff like ‘I already destroyed your ancestors’ and ‘I will do to you what I did to that chalkboard in ‘68.’”

“Professor S. showed that Viewsonic who was boss.” said student Dustin Sheridan, a junior who witnessed the beating. “The screen at the front of the room was going up and down, and the light was flashing as the professor stood on a desk beating the shit out of the overhead.” Sheridan remarked that “he finally found a use for that $300 dollar textbook he requires.” 

In a surprising move, Dr. Schlächten, who has been on the shortlist for the Fields Medal, also released a statement. In the ten-page manifesto style document, the longtime math professor outlined his personal vendetta, claiming that projection equipment has long tried to sabotage his career, and “kept changing and evolving just to spite him.”