EMERGENCY BROADCAST TO ALL UOFSC STUDENTS:
The Bob is back.
Sightings of disgraced UofSC president Bob Caslen have increased by 1000% during the past few weeks. Beyond the normal report of seeing Caslen walk through the Horseshoe disguised as a University Ambassador and the usual sighting of him trying to get into the Board of Trustee’s Office wearing a safety vest, students have reported an unusually large amount of Caslen sightings on and around campus.
For those unfamiliar with the matter, Caslen swiftly left the University after drunkenly plagiarizing a portion of his commencement speech. But based on some Third Spur sleuthing, we believe that he is back.
One student, Coaster McCoasterson, stated, “As some buddies of mine and I were leaving Russell House, we heard some hullabaloo coming from the trees lining Greene Street. As we drew closer, we saw the shadow of a man suspended on a limb muttering about how he regretted spending any amount of time at this hell-hole. Then it hit me, that man was disgraced former university president, Bob Caslen.”
Coaster and his friends proceeded to run to the safety of their dorm, Patterson, and alert their RM who proceeded to get shit-faced and do nothing about the incident.
In another harrowing encounter, Greese Smoth, a sophomore at the University, saw Caslen eating a squirrel on the Horseshoe. While walking back from the Honors Printing lab, Greese saw Caslen sitting infront of the Maxcy monument and fileting a campus squirrel all the while repeating something about survival of the fittest under his breath.
“Mercury is sooooo in retrograde, so I’m totally not gonna judge him for eating that squirrel, but like, not cool,” stated Greese.
An attendant leaving their shift in the Honors printing lab in Harper College reported seeing a man in a ghillie suit setting up an oil drum fire pit in the middle of the Horseshoe. When the student passed by they were greeted with the sound of “Fortunate Son” by Creedence Clearwater Revival.
Furthermore, junior student, Miet Hed, claimed to see him in the Strom Thurmond Wellness and Fitness Center locker room.
“I was just going to get the gains bruh, you know, and when I walked into the locker room, like, there he is. Taking all of the Trenbolone in a five mile radius! Like, leave some for the rest of us, brah!”
Whatever you do, if you see disgraced former president of the university, Bob Caslen, we implore you not to approach him. He is considered dangerous.