Bear Grylls Bares All!

There’s a rumbling. There’s a grumbling. Do you hear it?

It’s the sound of adventure.

British adventurer Bear Grylls is coming to campus. Everyone say hello to Bear Grylls!

“Hello Bear Grylls!”

What is that Bear? You took a pitstop at Einstein’s on the way here? I understand, they do have the best coffee on campus. The vanilla hazelnut?  I get that too.

Uh oh.

The coffee is moving through Bear at an alarming rate. It’s time to find a bathroom. It’s time for an adventure.

Bear takes off from the Russell House ballroom. He makes a sharp cut downstairs. Bear! Put that away! That’s not a urinal, that’s a Hissho Sushi wok containing Spicy Gochujang Chicken! Bear blushes, he had no idea. He zips up his pants meekly and continues on westward. Unbeknownst to us, the reflection pool would pose a challenge. Bear jumps in, fumbles his hands under the water for a second, and then glares upwards, ashamed.


Unfortunately, the reflection pond has just been cleaned and we can see everything. We calmly let him know, he apologizes, sheds a singular tear, gets out of the water, and dries off. Onward. In a slightly panicked walk, Bear eventually stumbles upon the prestigious Darla Moore School of Business. Finally, Bear makes his way into an actual bathroom. Our moment of relief is cut short when we hear the premature use of the hand dryer. We bust in. Dear lord. Bear is going straight into the Dyson Airblade®! The ergonomic and efficient airflow of the all-new Dyson Airblade® is making it go everywhere. We inform that the Dyson Airblade® is not a potty and is only to be used for efficiently and quickly drying one’s hands.

Bear sighs and sulks out of the Darla Moore School of Business bathroom containing the new and improved Dyson Airblade®. On his disappointing walk down Assembly Street, Bear wanders into the Strom Thurmond Wellness and Fitness Center. Finally, Bear’s attitude changes. He has found the rock wall. Bear smiles at us as a wet stain grows on his left pant leg. He turns around and proceeds to free solo the Strom rock wall since his hands are so dry. As he reaches the top, a glorious white light shines and the heavens open just above the wall. Barack Obama, Zac Efron, and Ben Stiller appear in an angelic form, all with miraculously dry hands! They say in harmonious unison, “Bear, it’s time for us to take you on an adventure.”

Now, everyone say bye to Bear!

Goodbye Bear!

The light flashes brighter. Bear grows wings and flies into the open portal. Ben Stiller winks at us and the portal closes.

This article was sponsored by Dyson Airblade®.