Overly optimistic freshman student Kyle Bradley has recently learned a Coldplay song on the piano in a new strategy to try to pick up women. Bradley, who used a YouTube tutorial to learn the melancholic tune “Fix You,” has reportedly been working tirelessly on the project for ten minutes every Tuesday after his Women and Gender Studies 111 class.
Women and Gender Studies 111 classmate Ana Jones has described Bradley as a “creepy, pretentious douche,” saying that he “always pretends to play the piano on his desk while wearing finger-less gloves and a Joy Division t-shirt.” Jones also noted that the student is known to apologize to girls in the class for how “his gender” never treats women well.
“I’ve tried everything to see some action,” said Bradley. “I lifted for two whole weeks, and even tried treating them with respect for a bit before sending a dick pic. But I hear chicks are into the ‘artsy’ type these days so I though I’d give it a shot.” He has been practicing in secret on a $40 keyboard in his dorm room, but has been working up the courage to use the open piano in the Honors College Residence Hall. He is reportedly waiting until “a smokin’ babe” is in the room before trying it out.
Bradley was seen last Friday evening at Breakers Live asking a bored looking girl if she had ever “gotten with” a professional musician, before calling her a “selfish bitch” and moving to the next girl.