UofSC Police were left shocked and confused after a professor died as a result of a banger ratio from a student. Danny Gorgovich was a professor of European History for over two years before what is already being dubbed by the UofSC community as “The Ratio Incident.” The incident took place following an in-class altercation between a student and Gorgovich, in which the student disagreed with the professor’s views on Brexit. Witnesses say the student was “losing the debate” before he ratio’d Professor Gorgolich. One eyewitness recounted the student’s fatal ratio:
“L + Ratio + Bozo + Your Class Sucks + Bad RMP Rating + No Bitches + Wife Left You + Boomer + Balding + Can’t Teach”
“I can believe Professor Golgolinovich is really gone,” George Daly, Gogorinovich’s TA lamented. “He was a mentor of mine for over three months, but it feels like it was three lifetimes. I really don’t know what I’m going to do now. I might have to go work for some professor who isn’t nearly as knowledgeable in European History, but is less pervious to ratios, which are becoming more and more common.”
Police say the ratio would not have been fatal had the student omitted the “wife left you” clause, which delivered the killing blow. The student is in custody of the Columbia Police Department, who say he is in “good spirits.”
“It’s simply tragic what happened to Gorgolinitovich,” said UofSC President Harris Pastides. “We all know what happens when there are too many fellas on the dance floor, am I right? We have to keep the ratio as close to fifty-fifty as possible, we don’t want European History to be a sausage party!”
The University has announced that all students enrolled in the class will get an A, though the class will continue under the watchful eye of Pastides, who has no experience in teaching history and has already said he plans to show the class Crash Course History videos in lieu of having actual lectures.