Parents to Remain On-Campus Indefinitely

The hardest thing in a parent’s life is seeing their child fly the nest. My parents were emotional wrecks when I moved out for college. It was the first and only time I’d ever seen my old man cry and that image that will stick with me for the rest of my life. Just like I’ll never forget the time I had to tell Pops to “sack up and grab the other end of this futon because we got six more flights to climb and the least you can do is not bitch about your feelings the whole way up.” So it was weird when, only one month after our snotty, tearful, goodbye, my folks showed up at my doorstep once again.

What I was witnessing was Parent’s Weekend, which is like Christmas for cargo-clad dads and wine o’clock moms who realized early on that living vicariously through their kids is a lot harder to do over state lines. Like locusts, they flock to campus to crowd our Russell House lines, stare at girls with dyed hair, and sing Sweet Caroline out of open car windows, but Monday always comes around and the natural order is restored.

Or that’s how it usually goes…

A “mass midlife crisis” brought on by an unknown psychotropic contaminant in Chick-fil-A lemonade has compelled parents to get back in touch with their college days and overstay their welcome this year. The mob of parents gathered in front of interim president Harris Pastides’ residence to petition for an extended stay. When reached for comment, Craig Beppler, father of UofSC freshman Kelly Beppler and whatever the opposite of a DILF is, had this to say.

“I work too goddamn hard every day and pay too much money to this place to not get anything out of it. I’m staying my ass right here until I start seeing returns on my investment!”

Pastides, quick to realize where the money comes from around here, acquiesced to parent demands. It was announced that Capstone House had been designated parent housing and Pendleton Street Garage would now only allow parking to SUVs with stick figure families on the back window. Students were to vacate immediately.

When Capstone’s former residents inquired as to where their new housing accommodations would be, Pastides asked them if they wanted to play “the silent game.” After students took to Greene Street to protest the decision, USCPD was forced to place several students in “timeout” on charges of being “a wittle bit cwanky.” 

Third Spur will continue to report on these developments, but only before curfew because I will for realsies get the belt if I’m out past 7 pm on a school night again.