UofSC to Ban Students

In a startling turn of events, UofSC president Harris Pastides said during a press conference this Monday that the university would be banning all students in an effort to battle COVID-19. Pastides, who studied epidemiology at Yale, said this:

“It’s a move largely to preserve the health and safety of our faculty and staff. With the Delta Variant running rampant, it’s in our best interests to bring all studies– both in-person and remote– to an immediate halt.

“Effective immediately, the University campus is now private property, and any former students found trespassing on campus will be eradicated swiftly and silently.

“We really do believe that this is the best path toward beating COVID. I’m so tired of wearing this mask all the time. It makes my face all sweaty and when I forget to brush my teeth in the morning, I’m just rebreathing my coffee breath. It’s not pleasant.”

One concerned parent asked how much time students would have to move out. “Once the Cocky Alarm rings ten minutes after this press conference, it’s open season for my exterminators. I’d suggest you little plaguebearers get a move-on.”

When asked if the University would be issuing refunds to those who had already paid for tuition, Pastides declined to comment, opting to reply with finger guns, a series of strange facial expressions, and noises of unknown origin.

Pastides was last seen replacing all UofSC signage with pictures of his face under the word “Savior.”