Yesterday authorities informed University of South Carolina students and staff that the fountain in front of the Thomas Cooper Library had been spiked. The alcohol content of the fountain was found to be 12% alcohol by volume, which for reference is about 20 times stronger than a Bud Light Seltzer. Although no action has been taken, many believe the local fraternities to be the prime suspects.
“We first learned about the intoxication of the fountain when we received isolated reports about passed out wildlife, you know squirrels and birds and such,” USCPD chief Daryl Thompson told the Third Spur. “We were saddened to learn that two house finches died of liver disease, and the crippling effects of alcoholism have left many happy squirrel families in shambles,” he continued, holding back tears.
No humans have yet been injured by the incident, although once news broke many freshmen who said they were definitely 21 were seen frantically slurping up the botulism-baked booze from the fountain.
Additionally, reports of drunkenness inside the library itself have tripled in the last week. We sat down with the local health inspectors, while they were doing their weekly document shred. “There is absolutely no way that the water from the fountain is being pumped into the library’s drinking water,” said one DHEC official, as she tipped over a filing cabinet and set fire to its contents.
The library has seen a 200% increase in attendance since initial reports of the incident were released.
University President Michael Amiridis seems to be indifferent to the startling developments, releasing an official statement saying, “This isn’t the worst thing that could happen. I think for now, it is imperative that we continue to focus on what really matters: getting Big Thursday on the calendar.”
Although no one has been taken into custody, authorities do suspect local fraternities to be responsible for this dreadful incident. Security footage from last week showed masked individuals pouring hundreds of liters of vodka into the fountain, and although no faces could be made out, all the individuals could be seen wearing various fraternity-labeled sweatshirts and baseball hats.
As of press date, the Inter-Fraternal Council continues to deny the incident, although inside sources tell us they are completely out of vodka.