Off-Campus Housing Offers Safety Solutions!

Due to the large influx of freshmen, the University of South Carolina has been unable to house the majority of its upperclassmen. This large population of students have turned to off-campus housing. With the price of rent rising, these off-campus developments have been moving further and further from downtown. 

Recently, safety concerns have been rising around some of these locations. From packages being stolen off of porches, to cars being broken into, to occasional gunshots ringing out, residents are becoming uneasy. These tensions have come to a head with a shooting that happened at a popular off-campus living destination. 

Spokesperson for this development, Nork Lorkenson, stated, “It really sucks when our residents get shot. It takes so much time to clean the blood out of the carpets and off the porch and such.”

Nork then went into detail about their plan to solve gun violence in their living community. 

“We are now going to offer a plethora of safety features to our residents! We understand that you will probably get shot at, so we want you to be prepared!”

In a list acquired by the Third Spur, this development plans to provide students with a half-spent can of bear spray, a voucher for 3 free firearm self defense classes, and for an extra $45 per month added to their lease: bulletproof vests and bookbags.

Nora Stollenthortland, a resident at this development, responded saying: “I cannot wait for these fire-arm defense lessons! I have been shot a couple times, and now I am hoping to be able to dodge better the next time.” 

When asked about why they shouldn’t just fix the broken gate and hire more security, Nork responded, “Pfft. It’s these little shithead kids who keep throwing their little shithead parties. Everyone knows that if you throw a party somebody will come with a gun and shoot you for sure. That’s a no brainer, duh. So if they are gonna keep throwing their parties, they should at least know how to get shot less.” 

Lorkenson was quick to point out that in Section 78, subsection BH, paragraph 23 of the lease, it is stated that residents are not permitted to be involved in any act of gun violence. Furthermore, in Section 86, subsection AV, paragraph 7 of the lease, it is stated that students are required to pay a cleaning fee if they are shot.

“However, we put our residents first. We have amended the lease, so that if your shooting is fatal, the clean-up is on us. You’re welcome,” stated Lorkenson.

Residents can now rest in peace, shit, I mean be at peace, knowing that they will soon be able to probably defend themselves a little better when they for sure get shot at.