Parents Disappointed by Lame-Ass Kid

Despite their high hopes for their son Arthur, parents Glen and Donna Campbell of Dayton, Ohio, have issued a statement denouncing the freshman’s lame-ass behavior this semester.

Arthur Campbell has reportedly neglected to leave his dorm room except for classes and mealtimes, becoming “that weird fucker” on the hall.

Mr. and Mrs.Campbell first became aware of these incidents when they were alerted by Bates House staff that their son’s BAC was embarrassingly low.

“Our kid was already a reclusive screw-up,” Mr. Campbell told The Third Spur in an interview. “When I moved my kid into Bates, I thought it would be good for him. College is a chance to branch out—you know, make some friends, join a club, and get shitfaced 24/7. We got here at 10:30 on move-in day, and the guys across the hall were already drunk with the RM. But now, now I find out he hasn’t gotten a single citation?”

“He’s acting like a little pussy,” Arthur’s mom added.

The Bates RMs have promised to keep a special eye on the student, with mandatory breathalyzer tests being reported to Mr. and Mrs. Campbell on a weekly basis. The distraught parents also say they are in the process of working with Greek life on campus to find some kind of alcoholic outlet for their son, but they aren’t optimistic about the results of these efforts.

“If I don’t see drastic improvement from that boy—and I’m talking blowing at least a 0.35—he’s just gonna have to come home,” Mr. Campbell told us. “We aren’t paying 20 grand a semester for him to just do well in class or find a few meaningful and lasting friendships. If he can still drive on a Friday night, he doesn’t belong at USC.”