Orphan Probably Luckiest Student On Campus

Thousands of proud mothers and fathers descended upon Columbia this past Friday to join their children for “Parents Weekend.” However, for one fortunate student, the weekend was free of the festivities.

“Well, since my dad ran off when I was 3 and my mom died a few weeks later, I guess I’ll just watch the game and drink a few beers,” said junior Glen Hammond when asked about his plans for Saturday, while the rest of the student body was dragged in embarrassment from one activity to another.

“Oh yeah, I’d give anything to be him,” says sophomore Crystal Barnes, a friend of Hammond’s. “I wish my mom had been in a fatal car crash in the midst of my early childhood. She made me pose for a picture in front of the Horseshoe. Can you believe that?”

Hammond himself says he feels pretty lucky to have had the freedom to tailgate, party, and even study as he normally would.

“Everyone keeps telling me how overrated a mother’s love is anyways. Maybe I really did get the better end of the deal,” he concluded, as he took another bong hit in his un-Febrezed apartment.