Since Robert “Southern California” Caslen’s resignation from the University of South Carolina in June, Interim President Harris Pastides has been searching desperately for a new face to lead the University. The President’s office asked for nominations of suitable candidates for the position. This effort backfired when the office alleged that their emails were being flooded with endorsements for an individual known only as “Spurby.”
Loyal readers know that Spurby has been the Third Spur’s mascot since his 2019 laboratory synthesis deep beneath the Williams-Brice building. At this time, we’re not sure why Williams-Brice gets a building and a stadium while John Humanities only gets a cube that smells like it’s never been cleaned since the 70s, but we’ll keep you posted.
Spurby, who looks like a cross between an oversized Furby and that dude that went missing a couple of years ago, had this to say: “Caslen was not guilty of any slandering or inappropriate comments, despite what recent reports claim. Don’t bother even voting, all the people voting for me will just cancel out your votes. Plus, I can’t believe you idiots are just letting Pastides reclaim the presidency. I will not stand for this blatant mockery of our democratic-republican system.”
Pastides, for one, seems displeased by the whole affair. “I wish these dumbass kids would focus on their homework and not developing a program that emails us thousands of times a day demanding to ‘Make Spurby the president.’ I will not stand for this blatant mockery of our democratic-republican system.
“Like seriously, why can’t they give us someone cool. Look at Hillary, she’s the president of Queen’s University in Belfast. Can we get someone cool too? Instead of someone who sounds like Obama, why not just give us the real Obama. If not him, we’ll take like Jeb Bush or something.”
When the Third Spur reached out to Pastides, he put on his funny sunglasses growled: “What are you talking about? Who the hell are you guys anyways? Did you do this? Are you guys even a real newspaper?”
Spurby has received a stern talking to and has since changed his views of the former president. He now parades around the Third Spur offices shouting “FBC.”