The University of South Carolina ROTC programs have announced a new study abroad opportunity available right now to all cadets: Military Experience in Ukraine. According to the official description from the Study Abroad office, “Students will gain invaluable hands-on experience in training exercises, supply chain management, and fallen comrade disposal in a country with recent martial experience.” Naturally, students and parents have expressed concerns due to the ongoing Russo-Ukrainian conflict in the region, though the Study Abroad office and ROTC coordinators have stated repeatedly that “these maggots knew what they were getting into when they signed up.”
Exact details pertaining to the trip’s itinerary and courses are still in the works, although air travel has been confirmed for a “covert airdrop from a helicopter into a secure facility.” Furthermore, the University has added two courses specifically for the trip, KILL 470- Armed Enemy Neutralization and HSTG 290- Extracting Information via Hostage Torture. Two additional courses, ASSN 310- Head of State Disposal and COUP 573- Regime Change with a Special Focus in Military Dissent are still pending approval from the board. One course, PEAC 111- Diplomacy Abroad, was rejected by the ROTC governing body for being “too effeminate.”
According to the official course description, the ASSN 310 class will feature a “special military visit” to Moscow, where students will “take a detailed tour of the Kremlin’s ventilation system,” and “perform special military operations on important world leaders.” When asked if this was a veiled attempt to assassinate Russian President Vladimir Putin, ROTC representatives told us we would be shot if they told us the truth. None of our reporters wished to be shot, so we inquired no further.
The cadets seem to be very excited about this new opportunity. We spoke to Navy ROTC cadet Noah “Redrum” Johnson, who told us: “My grandfather had 28 confirmed kills in ‘Nam, and his father shot down 10 kamikazes over the Pacific. I can’t wait to carry on my family’s tradition of killin’ commies.” Army cadet Dakota Washington shared a similar sentiment: “I think it’s about reminding those collectivisin’, Godless bastards who’s the boss. It’s high time we started putting warheads on foreheads over there.”
We spoke with trip coordinator Warren Monger about what he hopes the cadets will gain from this experience. “Not only will the cadets get to see firsthand the operations of an active military on a day-to-day basis, they will also get to observe very closely the movements and weapons of the enemy. We hope to have the cadets as the first line of canon fodd- I mean peaceful observers before the trained Ukrainian troops move into battle. A select few of these brave cadets will get to experience the thrill of battle, and hopefully make a significant impact on this conflict. I know there are many concerns about the safety of the region, but I can assure you by the time we are done the Ukraine will be the safest region in Eastern Europe.”
The trip has a maximum capacity of 500 students, but if there are not enough registrants, ROTC officials have stated that they will enforce a draft to get to full capacity.