Lindsey Graham Announces Bid For Student Body President

At a press conference last Tuesday, Senator Lindsey Graham declared his candidacy for the Student Body President, stating that the university “needed the strong, guiding touch of a visionary who knows this campus like the back of his hand.”

The former Republican presidential candidate & USC alumnus, fielding questions from his campaign headquarters outside the Shiv Mart, also stated that “the haphazard policies of the former Student Body President have brought our fine school to its knees,” stressing the need for reduced government influence, incentives for private investment, controlled missile strikes on ISIS strongholds, and the continuation of Five Points’ lax attitude toward underage drinking.

Senator Graham added that he enrolled in several courses to qualify for the position, including Introduction to Political Science and an Honors seminar on hush puppies. At press time, Senator Graham is polling third, behind Lee Goble and former governor Mark Sanford.