Health experts were horrified to find numerous reports of nausea and tummy aches amongst the University of South Carolina’s student body last week, which they were able to quickly link to Russell House staple Twisted Taco. Many health experts feared a bacterial outbreak, perhaps E. Coli or Salmonella. However, negative tests and subsequent X-rays revealed a much worse fate for these students: their internal organs had been shifted around.
“We found small intestines in esophagi, spleens where the kidneys should be, bladders all the way down in the feet. It’s honestly a miracle no one was killed,” said Dr. Manheim, an infectious disease specialist based out of Charlotte.
Manheim was called in last Thursday by University health officials to investigate the mysterious circumstances surrounding the taco-induced tummy aches. However, his tenure would be short-lived, as after a lunch break at a certain Tex-Mex dining hall, he went home sick, sucking down an entire tube of Rolaids. Manheim was found dead in his apartment 3 days later, with his liver where his brain should be and his testicles on backwards.
Twisted Taco, a beloved Atlanta based franchise which serves up delicious Tex-Mex usually seven days a week, still denies allegations to the incident. A corporate representative from the company sat with several journalists for a press briefing, but whenever she was asked about the organ incident, she claimed they were asking “Twisted Questions (patent pending),” and that the liberal media establishment was trying to “twist the truth.”
Disturbed by the horrific findings, local area chemist and retired high school teacher Hei Sen-Borg took it upon himself to analyze the chemical makeup of Twisted Taco’s ingredients, and determine if there was any ingredient in the food that could cause one’s organs to get all jumbled up. The results of his studies will shock you.
“We found that the ‘salt’ Twisted Taco had been using to season their tortilla chips actually contained the compound Micsupyerinsidsium Carbonate, a synthetic compound that can only be produced in a lab.” That’s right, this startling discovery means that Twisted Taco has been deliberately poisoning University of South Carolina students. “M. Carbonate, while a very dangerous and highly restricted substance, would, in fact, be the perfect substance for a restaurant such as Twisted Taco to distribute under the radar. Twisted Taco uses M. Carbonate to “humanely” kill livestock at their various meat farms across the Southeast. It is easy to see how they could ‘accidentally’ slip some of this into their distribution trucks, providing perfect cover for a plot to bring down an entire student body.”
The question, then, is why does Twisted Taco want students’ insides all jumbled around? What nefarious plot do the Wall Street fat cats have planned for us blue collar, work-a-day college students? What would they stand to gain from jumbling up the contents of our soft bellies? Why must they tarnish everything we hold so dear?!?!