Local insane axe-murderer Igor Creech has reportedly decided that he will “not be doing Halloween” this Tuesday. The homicidal sociopath has been a staple of the Columbia area’s Halloween festivities for years, know by many in the community for his gory dismemberment of unsuspecting teens and cryptic warnings written in blood left throughout more affluent neighborhoods.
“I’m just not feeling it this year,” says Creech. “Every Halloween, it starts to feel more and more like work, like I’m not slaughtering nubile innocents for the fun of it anymore. Just thinking about how long sharpening my axe will take makes me tired.”
The demented killer explained that Halloween season just begins too early these days. “How can I not get burnt out with brutal executions?” he said. “There are jack-o’-lanterns on porches in mid-September!”
Friends of Creech, who is more commonly know as “The Halloween Hacker,” report that he plans to stay in, keep his lights off, and “just watch a scary movie or two” on Tuesday night.
Creech admits, however, that he has made similar claims in the past, only to renege at the last minute. “Every time I see those decorations out and the children running around in their costumes, it definitely puts me in the Halloween spirit,” the horrifically-disfigured psych ward-escapee told reporters with a smile. “I won’t be surprised if I end up changing my mind, even if it’s just chopping off a high schooler’s arm or two.”