Opinion: You’re Going to Hate My Ignorant-Ass Takes On These Issues

Listen, I’m not going to mince words here- my feelings on the following five topics are not gonna fly with you. Let’s dive in.

1. The #MeToo Movement

I choose to only think about this one phonetically, that is, I hear “Me Two” as in the number, instead of “Me Too” as in ‘also’. Because of that, I think only 2 people have ever been bothered by sexual harassment, and everyone’s just fighting to be recognized as the 2nd person.

2. The President

I know Donald Trump only from his brief cameo in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, and from that? He looks good to me.

3. Climate Change

When it’s over 60 degrees Fahrenheit, I think we need to elect leaders in this country who can recognize the importance of protecting our planet and global society from pollution, as well as educating our populace about the dangers of climate change. When it’s under 60, all scientists are paid-off shills and can suck my dick.

4. Public vs. Private Education

I don’t like teachers. Period. I don’t care if they’re my preacher or my mother. Anybody that teaches should get paid nothing!

5. La La Land vs. Moonlight

I’ll be completely honest here- I love musicals. Especially ones which tell a timeless love story through the lens of modern-day Hollywood aspirations. I cried twice. It’s La La Land all the way, for me.

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At this point, you’ve gotta be furious, right? Well let me give you one more fact- I’ve never changed my point of view on anything, and I never will. So if you thought you were going to shred me apart point-by-point, save it. I’m going to keep believing what I believe, even if the truth stabs me in the eye. I’ll teach my children to believe it, and they’ll do the same. I love being uninformed, see? It makes my day to watch you squirm as you try to politely hear me out. Newsflash: You aren’t going to get the chance to correct me. This list was only 5 of my ignorant-ass ideas. And I’ve got plenty more, baby.

Plenty more.