Opinion: I Stopped a Car by just Stepping in Front of It. Does Anyone Dare Challenge Me?

By: Ethan Lennon

Today I, Ethan Lennon, made a car come to a screeching halt by simply walking in front of it. Does anyone dare challenge my authority over this ethereal realm?

Columbia, South Carolina has long been a domain with which the mechanical beasts ran rampant. Something had to be done by a true hero to reclaim the jungle of concrete in which we all resided. There I was, calmly walking to one of my classes, when the majestic Toyota Camry, I believe its plumage to be red, had the audacity to test my resolve. Yes, the machine had a light of green ahead, symbolically giving it full reign to go wherever the metallic brute desired. And yes, I was staring down at my phone, texting some girl at the time of the altercation. But, that does not change the fact that in this proverbial game of chicken, I emerged the victor following the creature slamming on its brakes, and shrieking its guttural horn. Its grotesque form retching forth a sickening miasma of dark polluting smog and steam. It was at this very moment I realized the gravitas of the situation. Today, I have shifted the tides in favor of the bipedal organisms who seem to outnumber the automotive vehicles.

My challenge goes out to every other four-wheeled monstrosity roaming the wild kingdom of Columbia. I have already defeated one of your brethren, I know there are more of you wishing to take my spot as lord of the asphalt. Show yourself you cowards, and face my almighty wrath.