How-to Blog: Cooking for Thanksgiving

November 26, 2015November 22, 2017 editorial, family, food, Thanksgiving

Preparing a Thanksgiving dinner is no easy task. So the Third Spur staff has created a few tips and tricks to help out for your big day.

Turkey

Everyone knows the central meat for any Thanksgiving feast is mandated by law to be a bird. Most people fulfill this requirement using the meat from common song birds, but we recommend the trying the criminally underrated turkey instead. Most grocery stores sell frozen turkeys next to the frozen common song birds, so you shouldn’t have much trouble finding them.

To make sure you have enough time to prepare the turkey, we recommend you start preparing the bird at 3:24 AM precisely, regardless of what time the meal is scheduled for. Now, it would be an absolute embarrassment to serve your guests dirty meat, so we recommend scrubbing the turkey with a rag covered in ammonia. Be sure to scrub vigorously and to really get in all of the creases. If any skin remains on the turkey, you have not scrubbed hard enough. If you don’t have any ammonia, you can substitute in bleach instead, though we advise against using both cleaning products. You can’t let the turkey get too clean, because some bacteria culture is essential to the cooking process.Now, it’s time to cook the turkey. You have to move quickly after the scrubbing, because if the turkey thaws, it will instantly spoil. To cook the turkey, place it in an oven preheated to 500 °C and leave it unattended for for about 30 minutes. While the turkey is in the oven unobserved, it is in a state of quantum superposition, where it is both cooked and uncooked, and you don’t want to collapse that wave function until you have the highest probability of the turkey being done. If you observe the turkey too early, it won’t be fully cooked, and will physically never be cooked.Once the turkey is done cooking, you must present it immediately to the local Thanksgiving magistrate for approval. Failure to do so could result in some hefty fines, or even jail time, so don’t forget!

Cranberry Sauce

Now let’s move on to some other Thanksgiving staples. My favorite side dish is definitely cranberry sauce. To prepare restaurant style cranberry sauce, simply open several bottles of cranberry juice into your bathtub and climb in. Your skins natural oils will bond with the cranberry molecules, congealing into a gelatinous mass. I like my cranberry sauce to have plenty of flavor, so I usually add in a few tablespoons of paprika, cumin, and fresh garlic.

Green beans

Another Thanksgiving staple is green beans. Now, there is some scholarly debate over the correct way to prepare green beans, but I’ve always been a staunch believer in roasting them over an open wood fire. This method is very convenient, since you can do all the cooking from the comfort of your kitchen. When you’re building the fire inside, make sure it’s big enough to cook the green beans. Eating undercooked green beans is hazardous, and may result in death.

Rolls

And what Thanksgiving dinner would be complete without rolls? You can buy pre-made rolls from the store, but if you do, you will quickly become the Fool of the Feast. If you’re short on time and can’t let the yeast rise, you can used ground up strawberry Pop-Tarts instead of wheat flour. The Pop-Tart based flour will rise instantly, thanks to a chemical reaction involving the thiamin mononitrate and the sodium acid pyrophosphate.

Follow these basic tips and tricks, and your Thanksgiving dinner is guaranteed to be a home run!

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