Opinion: Don’t Tell Anyone, But I Just Solved The Middle East

By Rex Tillerson, US Secretary of State

You cannot tell anyone, but I just solved the Middle East. Just now. Like all of that instability over there? I’ve got the perfect solution. But if you tell anyone about my plan, then it won’t work. So please don’t. Just take my word for it. I know how to solve every single one of their problems. But it’ll just have to be our little secret.

Okay, fine, I’ll give you a hint. It involves Israel, Palestine, and some of the other countries. But I probably shouldn’t tell you any more about it. It’s going to be so clever. I cannot wait to see the look on your face when I do it.

It’s almost like you think I don’t really have a plan or something. For the record, I do. In fact, I’d argue I am the most qualified person to ever attempt to solve it. I didn’t get this bachelor’s degree in civil engineering for nothing. Plus, I spent 11 years as CEO of ExxonMobil, and if there’s anything the Middle East has, it’s oil.

I would tell you to ask the rest of the Cabinet about it, but I haven’t even told them yet. Man, I can’t wait to tell them. They’re going to be so jealous that they didn’t think of it first. If I could talk about it, I would tell you that it might be diplomatic, but it also might incorporate other not-diplomatic stuff. I can’t actually talk about it though. It’s classified information.

Did you hear about how Osama Bin Laden was killed in that surprise attack? It’s like that. A surprise. But it’s not really an attack, it’s actually- wait, I see what you’re doing! You’re trying to get me to ruin it! Don’t do that man, please, I told you the plan is a secret. If the rest of the government finds out I’m telling you about it, they’re going to be so mad, okay?

Alright, fine, I’ll tell you a little bit. But you have to keep it on the down low. Do you promise you will?

Okay… so you know how we can impose sanctions sometimes? It involves that. And I might add a couple drone strikes, but I haven’t decided yet. Honestly, I’m not even sure about the sanctions yet. But you’re the only one I’ve told, so if I hear this information floating around, I’ll know it was you that spilled it. I’ve got people everywhere and they’ll tell me if they hear anything. So don’t tell anyone.

The Middle East is about to be sheathed in a cloud of stability, thanks to my ingenious plan. And when it is, everyone is going to be so amazed. You just wait. Hassan Rouhani is going to be kissing my feet by the end of this. Just swear that you won’t tell anyone a word of what I just told you. Please. It’ll be so bad if you do.