Man Commits Suicide While Shopping With Girlfriend

Local man Jeffery Danvers, 26, was found deceased of an apparent suicide in the colored paper aisle of a local Michaels this past Saturday. Columbia Police say the incident occurred while the victim was shopping with his girlfriend. Police found Danvers’ girlfriend, Joanna Marlboro, 24, three aisles over fixated on finding stickers that were “metallic, but not glittery.” After deciphering what that meant, the police began retracing Danvers’ movements and what led him to suicide, with the lead investigator claiming “[he] was forced to suffer through something just short of hell.”

Witnesses say the couple started at a Victoria’s Secret, where they claim Danvers experienced vertigo after encountering a barrage of pink and a flurry of young women scavenging the seven for twenty-seven fifty panties sale. One man claimed Danvers tried repeatedly to get out of the store and stand next to the other men waiting on women, but failed at every attempt. The man continued, “he tried to brave an area few men have made it through.” The man goes on to say that Danvers was dragged into Sephora, just next to Victoria’s Secret. “I think I saw tears in his eyes while they were in there.”

Police conjecture the couple then ventured to Michael’s, where employees claimed that the couple was in the store for over an hour and a half before the man killed himself. Investigators determined the Danvers attempted to make a noose out of colored pipe-cleaners while Marlboro looked at stickers. Witnesses say this lasted for 45 minutes. An elderly employee said she noticed Danvers attempting to hang himself.

“I went over and told him, ‘Oh no, that’ll never work. There’s rope two aisles over that’ll do the trick.'”

Piecing together the scene, police have determined that Danvers asked Marlboro how much longer they would be in the store, as he was being dragged away from the model car section. She reportedly replied, “I don’t know; we need to go look at stickers again.” It is believed that at this moment Danvers broke a picture frame he was being forced to hold, and slit his jugular with a piece of glass.

At press time, Danvers’ girlfriend was seen asking his lifeless body, “Do you mind if we stop by Marshalls really quick?”