Bernie Sanders Declares $5 Fishbowls A Right, Not A Privilege

While speaking at University of South Carolina during the CNN Democratic Town Hall on Tuesday, Senator Bernie Sanders announced his belief that $5 fishbowls should be treated as a fundamental right of all students.

“Last night when I arrived, I decided to take advantage of the legendary bar scene here in Columbia. Despite being older than most everyone else by at least 50 years, and being one of the only patrons of legal age, I still had a wonderful time. Monday night Pav’s was fantastic, just fantastic! I really felt the Bern downing those $1 Fireball shots!” 

After elaborating on how he actually developed his speaking gestures decades ago while dancing to the Village People’s “YMCA,” Sanders continued with his speech.

“But what about Tuesday nights and Wednesdays and other nights? The ‘affordable’ drink of choice then is the fishbowl; however, $5 is still just too damn high for a student’s wallet!”

The Senator continued: “All of you are working too hard here for tons of student debt. When you go out to Five Points many of you just want to find ways to affordably unwind, and I know cash is tight. We can no longer allow the 1%, the rich bar owners, to horde all of the fishbowls away. They are your right, and if I am elected they will be free for all students.”

The Senator’s announcement was met with massive applause and cheering. Polling done after his speech indicated that Bernie was projected to receive 95% of the South Carolina student vote.

Following Senator Sanders’ proposal, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton offered her plan to allow students to have a sip of wine at dinner.