The Great Lettuce Engorging
Over 200 ravenous lettuce legates gathered around the table, upon which was laid a luscious head of lettuce for each bright-eyed competitor. What possibly could be the reason for this vegetative vivacious vibe? Was it a sacrifice to a gracious green god? Or a feast in honor of a holy hero? Nay, it was the annual meeting of the lettuce lords, the Lettuce Club.
The challenge presented was whom among these valorous vegetable vanquishers could vanquish a head of lettuce the fastest. The prize? Ascension to the lettuce throne and the powers, attendants, and domain that come with the title. The officiators for this eternal event were none other than the lettuce lords themselves. These leafy legionnaires have existed since the beginning of time as arbiters of the lettuce throne, originally held by god-emperor Pastidius, before he put his soul into a large lettuce crop in 1800, becoming flesh incarnate, known as the Lechugod. Now, President Amiridis has taken the mantle of presiding over this event.
This year’s competition started with the bang of the starting gun, and the worthy warriors attempted their challenge, charging into the fire. Many of these brave battlers were overcome by the lettuce, however, the rest fought onward, slicing through their respective homunculi with valor venerable in vivaciousness.
The winner of the competition, Tim Jimson, a graduate attempting a master’s in biology said this when asked for a quote: “I first encountered our new president Amiridis when I caught him talking to some lettuce I was growing for my masters degree. He was speaking strange words to the lettuce, calling them his children, and when he noticed me, he teleported to me, and kissed me on my forehead, and said “Take this, it will be useful.” He gave me a head of lettuce as well as the coordinates of Davis field and the date and time of the competition on a Gregorian calendar.”
The mortality rate of this year’s green gathering of gratitude was only 30 students in the hospital, all of whom Amiridis called his “new sons” and kissed on the head at the ER, granting them a gleaming green gift on their forehead.
