All I Wanted For Christmas Was A Golden Retriever Gamer Boy

Everyone dreams of a perfect Christmas, but this year mine was a Christmas from Hell!

It all started wonderfully. Our live cow sacrifice to the Snow God Iccthuhrrbh meant that the big day was a white one. As the snow fell peacefully outside, my family gathered around the Christmas tree, which was conveniently located right next to the fireplace where we had our live cow sacrifice. As I dug through my stocking, I only had one thing on my mind; one thing I knew I wanted for Christmas; the ONLY thing I wanted for Christmas: a golden retriever gamer boy.

Who doesn’t dream of having their own golden retriever gamer boy? Someone to clean your room while you’re busy playing Stardew Valley until 4 in the morning. Someone to bring you coffee when you wake up at 3 in the afternoon. Someone to call your little PogChamp when he gets a double kill in the bot lane. Someone to pet when your parents won’t let you own an actual golden retriever.

But in my stocking, I didn’t find a golden retriever gamer boy. I found socks, chocolates, and some minty chapsticks. It’s fine, obviously! You can’t fit a REAL golden retriever gamer boy into a stocking, now can you? When we moved to the presents, I had my eye on one box in particular. It was definitely big enough to fit my golden retriever gamer boy. I asked if I could open it first, I wanted to share the opening of my presents with my dreamy little golden retriever gamer boy.

“You can wait until the end,” my mom told me.

At this point, it didn’t matter to me when I opened it as long as I got my golden retriever gamer boy. But after each gift I opened, my hope decayed like the cow we sacrificed in the fireplace. Morale was low. That is until my mom finally let me open the big present—you know, the one big enough to fit a golden retriever gamer boy inside?

Tearing off the wrapping paper, I discovered a cardboard box from Wayfair. My eyes widened as I tore open the clumsily taped box. Inside though, it was just a bunch of wood. “We got you that table you wanted!” My mom cheered.

“Oh… thanks, I guess,” I said, knowing that I’d have to live without my golden retriever gamer boy for one more year.