Every semester, student organizations curate, arrange, and present club tables at the organization fair. And every semester, students take fliers, scan QR codes, and promise to attend interest meetings. They have no idea how hard our clubs work, the hours we toil, to bring in new members and continue to uphold our mission statements. Without a single care, they commit to more interest meetings than they will ever be able to make good on, leaving many student organizations up in the air.
Combining the monumental funds afforded to all clubs by the university, the organization presidents within the Student Leadership Division have hired merciless hunters to prowl the fair this year. Every student who takes free merch or asks, “So what do you guys do?” is marked, and on the day of each interest meeting, those students will be brought in to join that club.
“We figured it was about time,” says Mindy Roznowski, co-president of the Woodgrain Appreciation Club. “Every semester, we get stood up for quote-unquote ‘cooler’ orgs. Freshmen say they’re soo interested when we offer free wood chips, but that doesn’t explain our dwindling numbers. I know it seems harsh, but knock on wood a little kidnapping will really change what our roster looks like.”
Some students noticed the watchful eyes of lurking strangers while they did their rounds on Wednesday 26, and Student Leadership Administrator Karla Ann was happy to explain the new program to them. “It’s so great to see our students working together to build community. I was happy to acquire a contract with some recently escaped criminals looking to make a quick buck.” Despite a slightly edgier atmosphere at night, the finals numbers aren’t in on just how effective this new program is. How has attendance been affected overall?
Well, it’s all there on the graph above. Compared to last semester’s measly 13%, club attendance is up, up, up, just barely falling short of the students who have still not been found!