USC Legalizes Cocaine To Curb Illegal Adderall Use

In a move to reduce illegal Adderall use, USC President Harris Pastides announced today that cocaine will now be legally sold on campus in a joint venture with Sodexo.

Pastides outlined his plans for the campus’ adoption of the drug, more specifically detailing the ease with which students will be able to access it.  “We plan to have coke stations in every dining hall before exams for the fall semester begin.  We haven’t quite worked out the details yet, but students should be able to get half a gram for a meal swipe.”  He also notes that all USC-sold coke is thoroughly screened to make sure it is not laced with dangerous drugs such as marijuana and caffeine.  “Our coke is not only cheaper but also much safer to consume than cocaine bought on the streets,” Pastides added.  “Everyone wins; the school makes money, and Adderall abuse declines.  This is our way of letting our students know we care.”

An initial trial run at the USC satellite campus in Beaufort showed positive results, with one teacher jubilant her 485-student history class had perfect attendance each day of the trial. Students also were reported to have embraced the addition of the drug.  “I haven’t slept for 47 hours and counting,” Steven, a junior Biology major, boasted.  “I just have so much more time to avoid studying now.  I can’t wait for finals to come to see if I can avoid sleeping that entire week.” Brian, majoring in IB, stated “I’ve never considered using any kind of drug before, but since I’m already paying for it in my tuition, I dove in nose-first.”

Not everyone is in agreement, however.  In an interview with The Third Spur, Columbia Mayor Steve Benjamin expressed his displeasure with the school’s plan, only stating that “cocaine would not have been our drug of choice to combat Adderall.  We could have made much more money taxing meth or heroin.”