Professor Disappointed to Find No One Does Readings

Professor Mark Holland sat down at his computer several hours after class last night to send a message to his unsuspecting students. The subject “Disappointed” caught their attention.

“I know you’re all really busy with the three papers and two speeches I’ve assigned you, on top of all your other classes,” the professor wrote, “But it didn’t seem like anyone did the 100-page reading that you aren’t going to be graded or tested on in any capacity, and this is entirely unacceptable.”

Professor Holland’s message was triggered by low response rates in his speech class earlier that day after he asked a question on economic theory. After all fifteen of his students neglected to answer out of fear of being verbally attacked by a classmate or Holland himself, the professor started making comments about how inappropriate it was to not read the dissertation he assigned on a topic no one cares about just so they could say a few words in class and forget about it forever.

“There are only eighteen more readings left in the next three weeks,” Holland said. “Do them.”

According to the exit polls taken after each period for the entire semester, Holland has announced that 87% of his readings were introduced with the phrase, “This will make you an expert on introductory speech! This is what matters!!”

“Oh, I’m not going to do them,” sophomore Kaley Parker told sources. “I don’t want to waste my time reading an essay just because the professor wrote it. Whatever I have to say about it in class will be wrong anyway.”

At press time, none of the students planned on engaging in any class discussion.