Chick-fil-A Changes Name to ‘Southern Kitchen’

In a daring late night operation, the staff at Chick-Fil-A in Russel House pulled off a desperate attempt to reduce the long lines that they have faced over the past few weeks since the school year started.

“The work had become unbearable,” one of the cashiers told us. “We knew that we had to do something. We considered serving burgers at one point hoping that it would cause outrage among our chicken-loving customers. We even stopped saying ‘My pleasure’ after every order. But we decided on becoming Southern Kitchen because we know that literally nobody goes there on purpose.”

Third Spur has obtained security camera footage of the act taking place. At 2:32 AM on Wednesday night, Chick-Fil-A cashiers ascended upon Southern Kitchen on the second floor of Russell House and began dismantling the restaurant’s sign, eventually taking it down completely. Two employees picked up the sign and fled from the scene with it while the others stayed behind and stood guard. At 2:45 AM, the two workers returned. This time they had the LED Chick-Fil-A sign in hand and scrambled to hang it up with zip ties. For good measure, they covered the counter of the real Southern Kitchen with chicken sandwiches and waffle fries to make it look even more legitimate.

Then, they waited. When the doors opened at Russell that morning and the hordes of students began to migrate towards Chick-Fil-A’s usual location, confusion swept over the masses. One student told us that they “could’ve sworn Chick-Fil-A was here yesterday.”

The students reacted with greater panic and desperation when they asked the lone cashier if they were at Chick-Fil-A. “Nope, this is Southern Kitchen,” the cashier said, smiling. “If you are looking for Chick-Fil-A, I would go upstairs.”

Workers at the new Chick-Fil-A reacted with even greater confusion and panic when they saw the lines forming in front of their restaurant. They had never seen a line before and the sight took them by surprise. “I didn’t know what to do,” Alicia Tyler, a cook working at what used to be Southern Kitchen told us. “We prepare for a maximum of five students to eat here per day.”

For a few moments the two employees standing there were frozen and stared at the crowd of hungry students before them. One of them finally broke the silence and asked, “Y’all here for some veggies?”

At press time, confused and hungry students could be seen all around Russel House aimlessly searching for chicken strips and waffle fries.