BREAKING: USC President Pastides Revealed to be Cocky’s Father

According to The Third Spur‘s investigation based on a trove of historic university records, outgoing University of South Carolina President Harris Pastides is the father of school mascot Cocky.

After an anonymous source close to the situation suggested that we look into the funds for the statue of Cocky that was recently added on Greene Street, The Third Spur discovered that a significant portion of the funds had come from Pastides himself.  Our researchers continued to dig more into the personal relationship of Pastides and Cocky, leading to the finding of a paternity test confirming their relationship that was hidden deep in the files of the university’s website.

“I just couldn’t stand to sit back and continue to let this happen,” the source stated.  “Cocky’s been through too much and without a father for too long.  When I heard Pastides was retiring to ‘spend more time with his family,’ I knew that needed to include his entire family.”

Both Pastides and Cocky had little to say on the matter, with Pastides saying he “would not comment on speculative allegations.”  Cocky declined to comment on the matter, but when pressed further by reporters, gave a short response.  However, a certified Cocky translator was unavailable at such short notice, leaving reporters without a way to record his comments.

The student body expressed mixed reactions to the news; while some students were happy for the pair to finally be able to spend time with each other, others were angry it took so long for the news to surface.  When shown pictures of the two side-by-side, one student, who asked to remain anonymous, claimed he could tell they are related by “looking at how similar their beaks are.” Another student, senior economics major Kiara Dawsen, simply stated that she “didn’t see the resemblance.”

At press time, Pastides and Cocky could be seen awkwardly tossing a baseball together on the Horseshoe.