Advising Office to Student Body: “You Aren’t Getting in that Class… Bitch”

The frank statement from the USC Advising Department released this morning is republished below:

Listen up kids, because it’s time we set the record straight. You’ve been fooling yourselves and we take the blame for that. We haven’t been upfront with you and we’re sorry for that. But, we’re not beating around the bush anymore. So let us be the first tell you this semester that you aren’t getting in that class.

We know, you really want Spanish 102 at 2:50pm with that professor with the 4.6 on RMP but, buddy, there are only 20 spots in that class and you are not going to be one of them. You just aren’t. I mean look at your ticket time, pal. You’re a sophomore! You’ll be lucky to get in that 8:30am class.

You’ll take a 9:40am lecture with the worst professor we’ve got and you’ll like it. Yeah, take that class you little bitch. Push that register button and pray Daddy SSC even lets you in.

This year, we’re happy to announce we’re trying something new and even worse. You’re not getting that override either because we’ve gotten rid of them! That’s right, the only thing getting ridden over is you. There’s no more waiting list because we don’t like to have to wait to tell you how much you’re not getting in that class you wanted. We aren’t into edging.

Another exciting new addition to the registration process: penetration of the system is even harder than ever before. Not only will there be DP (double proof) verification but you’ll need to get through a whole gang of advisors. You’ll be shackled to that advising hold until you satisfy each one of our undesirable advisors in our infamous system of “poor orgy-nization.”

And if you complain, oh man, if you complain, you get a ticket time during the one class you have that is strict about phone/laptop use. We’re sadistic and we don’t care, in fact we get off on it here at the USC advising department. You deserve it. Now pay us that sweet, sweet tuition and don’t whine ever again unless you want to settle for a major level course in computer science when you’re a philosophy major.

What’s that? Do we hear you’re mad about this all? Well look at that. The system is going down. Try again later, you fuck.

Good luck and happy registration, cocks.