Students Fall Victim to Pastides’ Shin Kicks

According to eyewitnesses, President Pastides could be seen deliberately trying to kick students and make them fall as they walked to class outside of Russell House on Thursday morning. The commotion began minutes earlier when Pastides tripped on the brick path adjacent to Greene Street and a student laughed at him, according to sophomore John Hampton.

“I was walking from my dorm to the library to print an essay and I decided to stop for a quick bite in the Russell House,” Hampton said. “When I walked back outside, I saw Pastides take a dive.”

Brock Johnson, a junior, also witnessed the fall. “Oh yeah. The president ate shit. Or better yet, he ate brick…ha ha. Gimme some skin bro.” Johnson then turned to the guy standing next to him and gave him a high-five.

From there, the situation only escalated as Pastides retaliated. From what we heard from students and other passersby was that Pastides stood up and yelled, “Very funny. Not today you fuckers. If I go down, so do you!”

From then on, Pastides began to attack those around him by kicking students in the shins and clobbering their ankles. Anywhere from 6-13 students hit the ground, and dozens more fled from the scene. According to onlookers, Pastides made one last remark after the attack ended, saying, “Just for that, we’re jacking up tuition again you little shits! You’re going to pay for that one! Literally!”

We reached out to Pastides’ office to seek clarification on his proposed tuition hike. All we got back was the question “Why don’t you come ask that question to my face?” written on a crumpled-up index card.