USC Pregnancy Up 389% After Health Center Condoms Ruined by Prankster

In light of recent pregnancy spikes on campus, the Student Health Center revealed today that its free condom supply had been compromised during a break-in days ago.

Armed with only a sewing needle, a still-unidentified young man took advantage of reduced security due to ongoing construction to sneak in and violently poke his way through every single condom. SHC security footage shows him wearing black gym shorts, a red beanie, and a t-shirt with the message “Set Love Free.”

As a result of the break-in as well as the extreme pregnancy rate, SHC employees are restricting the remaining stock of condoms and birth control for the 10% of students using them for something other than an ego boost.