Opinion: Sex Should Be Mathematical

When I came to college, I was ready for a whole new level of sex. I felt like all of my high school partners lacked a certain level of maturity, and I was hopeful that college would offer a different experience. To my dismay, my sexual encounters still seemed to lack something fundamental. Essentially, I needed to integrate something that would really spice up my sex life. I then realized the only thing better than sex is, you guessed it, mathematics. Then I couldn’t enjoy sex because men don’t view sex the way they should, as a mathematical equation.

Too often people strive for spontaneity, but I have found sex is so much better when it is formulaic. I mean there is something so hot about routine and calculated moves. Men would perform so much better if they used geometric proofs in every sexual scenario. For every sensual move that is made, a man should provide a long and thorough justification. A man should prepare for sex by calculating every potential outcome, and the individual probabilities of those occurring. Ratios are a man’s best friend. I mean there is not greater way to ensure sexual stamina and contentment of both parties than to operate off of an orgasm ratio. I mean let’s be honest, men rarely even consider angles anymore. Instead of ensuring the angles we are in are complementary or even supplement one another, men use obtuse angles that are just awkward. And fellas, don’t be ashamed if your lady needs some “help,” there’s no shame in using a ruler.

Forget all of the complicated sex trends. Math is a simple and exact way to  really improve your sexual experiences. I mean the only sex toy I need is a protractor. When it comes to sex, derive everything you do from a mathematical concept, and you’ll never be dissatisfied.