Performance Enhancing Drugs Ravage Intramural Flag Football League

Scandal has struck the University of South Carolina as widespread use of performance enhancing drugs were found in the intramural flag football community. Evidence of steroid and human growth hormone abuse, as well as trace amounts of Viagra were found in tested flag football participants.

Junior Trevor Pickens was one of the athletes who tested positive on his drug test for steroids. “Although it may just be intramural, people take these games seriously,” Pickens stated. “It’s hard to go into a locker room before a game these days without tripping over a few needles or pills. From the outside, intramural sports might seem like they’re all just fun and games, but I’m flunking out of class right now and these sports are all I have.”

While the school sets no prize for winning your intramural football league, it seems the motivation for victory stems from the players themselves setting up their own prizes. Reportedly, the team that finishes first in the division gets a “buy one get one free” coupon to Domino’s. “I have eaten ramen noodles five out of the last seven nights” said HGH-abuser Jerome Harris. “If free or even reduced price food is involved, I will do whatever it takes to get it.”

Don Mills III, head of intramural sports held a press conference to address concerns over the widespread drug abuse. “While we certainly aren’t happy with the student athletes, we don’t believe there should be any serious punishment. They’re kids and they made a mistake.” When pushed for further comment he conceded, “Come on, these athletes are important to the school. With registration fees, intramural sports are just too big a money maker…” before abruptly stopping, saying he would take no further questions.