For the first time in decades, scientists report that our world is more likely to end in a tremendous bang than a passive whimper. Researchers at the Science and Security Board, responsible for maintaining the worldwide Doomsday Clock, announced their findings at a Wednesday conference and reiterated the obscenely high chances of the Earth perishing in a fiery explosion rather than a soft, willing surrender.
“We suspect these results emerged from a number of phenomena,” said Dr. Richmond Grene, citing increased aggression in Eastern Europe from Russia, the referendum dictating Britain’s exit from the European Union, the American election of Donald Trump to the Presidency, the rising power of far-right fascist parties in the West, continued acts of domestic terrorism at home and abroad, pressing symptoms of widespread climate change, and the bloody, byzantine Syrian Civil War among “a lot of goddamn causes in the last year alone.”
Dr. Grene expressed the higher odds in a presentation titled “The Rate of Increase of a Bang,” which consisted solely of an arrow pointing straight upward, followed by Grene miming an explosion with his hands and making a boosh noise. “Really, any one of these events on their own would indicate a concerning uptick, but all of these in combination?” Dr. Grene asked before shrugging. “It’s anyone’s guess how widespread it’ll be, but, in our professional opinion, expect some sort of earth shattering kaboom.”
When asked if any positive news emerged from the findings, Grene paused a full minute before responding, “It can’t get worse,” after which he was interrupted by a news flash on an adjacent television.