Opinion: Filtered Water is Making America Weak

Alright guys, I know things seem pretty shitty right now: threat of nuclear annihilation, global warming, and the tide pod challenge. But I know what can turn this country around and bring us back to our former glory as the world’s foremost superpower, fixing all the world’s problems in the process: tap water.

Think about it, this country has been going to shit for the last couple of decades, and do you know why? That’s right, filtered water! Eliminating tap water was like eliminating an entire part of Darwinism. Those who can’t handle tap water (or the lead contained in it) are now thriving thanks to the coddling of water and everyone who drinks it.

We’re becoming a weaker, flimsy society of people because filtered water “tastes better” and “won’t give me cancer.” Back in my day, we lived solely on the glorious taste of lead and other-nutrient-laced water, and those who managed to survive turned out fine!

Just imagine, if we brought back tap water, we’d lose all the dead weight! All the weaklings who can’t handle straight tap water will be dead in a few weeks. That’ll fix the overpopulation problem almost instantly. We must act soon though, because if we don’t do this before the planet is at critical levels of population in 50 years, we’ll have to systematically eliminate people based on how little they contribute to society.

So, before you buy another one of those damn Brita filters or buy a fridge with the water thing in the door, just think about mankind and the fate of the planet. Stop being so selfish, and do your part to help facilitate Darwinism.


Concerned Citizen