Following the South Carolina Gamecocks victory over the NC State Wolfpack 35-28 this past weekend, many students, alumni, and football fans alike are wondering what to expect out of Gamecocks football this season. We here at Third Spur have extensively looked into the season, and are proud to present the projections of the remaining games for the team in 2017!
at Missouri: “The ‘My Dad Could Beat Up Your Dad’ Game”
Both of these schools are located in a town named “Columbia”. However, Columbia, South Carolina is currently larger in population by roughly 14,000 people. Expect the Gamecocks to take the victory 24-14 in this match-up, as there simply won’t be enough of a crowd to intimidate the Gamecocks.
vs Kentucky: “Your Ass is Grass”
The Wildcats are primarily used to playing on their traditional Kentucky bluegrass type of field. However, Williams-Brice Stadium has bermudagrass style turf, which may be confusing and unfamiliar to the Kentucky players. The Wildcats slip and stumble all evening, fumbling 8 times, on their way to a 35-6 loss against the Gamecocks.
vs LA Tech: “The Natural Disaster”
After consulting with The Third Spur meteorologist, we have pinpointed this weekend to be the time of the 3rd annual hurricane threat to Columbia, South Carolina. Rather than moving the football game (as they have done in past years), LA Tech forfeits out of respect, via fax. Gamecocks win 1-0.
at Texas A&M: “The Illusion”
We are not totally sure what an “Aggie” is, but we’re pretty sure it isn’t a real thing. Therefore, by association, the Texas A&M Aggies football team also isn’t real. This is simply a made-up game to give the Gamecocks a free win on their schedule. Gamecocks win 7-0.
vs Arkansas: “The ‘haha no but seriously they actually do this’ Game”
There is no way the Gamecocks lose to a team where their fans literally do a cheer called “Calling the Hogs” by saying “Woo, Pig Sooie”. Gamecocks win 79-10.
at Tennessee: “Written in the Stars”
Tennessee head coach Butch Jones is discovered to be a dedicated horoscope follower. Will Muschamp emails him a fake horoscope for the week saying “Capricorns beware! The color orange will spell terrible luck for you this week!” This will cause Jones to abruptly send the Volunteers out in alternate uniforms that the players are unfamiliar with. Tennessee players will often get confused as to who is on their team. Gamecocks take the win easily, 56-3, while getting 12 interceptions.
vs Vanderbilt: “The Study Break”
The Commodores get off to a strong start, taking the lead 28-7 at halftime. However, numerous players don’t return from the locker room as they will stay in to study through the second half for tests in the coming week. The Gamecocks rally against a depleted Vanderbilt team, pulling out a 30-28 victory.
at Georgia: “Away from Home”
After a mistake with directions, the Gamecocks end up in Athens, Greece instead of Athens, Georgia. Players and coaches alike make the most of the situation, and spend a lovely weekend experiencing the history and culture of Greece. They come back with a renewed sense of purpose, and an appreciation for the arts. Despite the Gamecocks not showing up to the game, Georgia manages to snap the ball out of the back of the end zone once and although they come close, they just can’t seem to score. They miss a last second field goal as the Gamecocks go on to win 2-0.
vs Florida: “Criminal Activity”
Florida currently has suspended 10 of their players for various reasons. We believe this criminal mentality has spread to the rest of the team like a plague, and it is only a matter of time until more are suspended. Expect the Gators only to be able to field 6 men per play. Gamecocks win 66-3.
vs Wofford: “The Underdog”
This could prove to be one of the most challenging games for the Gamecocks all season. Following the 2015 loss to The Citadel, you can never be too careful with games against smaller teams. Wofford will come into this game looking for the glory of beating an SEC team. Plus, following star running back Lennox McAfee, they are always a threat to put points on the board. Unfortunately for the Terriers though, the Gamecocks just prove too strong and pull out a scrappy 27-24 victory at home.
vs Clemson: “The Big Game”
This is it. One of the biggest rivalries in college football. Tensions will be high and tempers will flare. The game will go into halftime tied 17-17 until Will Muschamp loses his cool and challenges Dabo Swinney to a boxing match at midfield to “Settle this bullshit once and for all”. Dabo, never one to shy away from a challenge, accepts and dons his gloves. Muschamp doesn’t let the team down, and the Gamecocks secure the win over Clemson by 5th round TKO.
vs Alabama: “The SEC Championship Game”
Who else? When the Gamecocks make the pilgrimage to Atlanta, they will face the Alabama Crimson Tide. We aren’t naive here at Third Spur Sports; we know this one will be tough. However, the Gamecocks will come prepared. Naturally, the gravity of this game makes you nervous. You immediately blackout at the tailgate from rum and cokes, wake up slumped against a wall in a porta-potty, miss the entirety of the game, and check your phone for the score. Alabama wins 87-0.
There you have it! The South Carolina Gamecocks will finish the regular season with a record of 12-1. The players fall into a deep, brooding depression following their first loss. Although they are invited to the Orange Bowl to face off against the Michigan Wolverines, they decline, stating the team needs “time to be alone right now.”