In his address to gathered students and faculty last Wednesday, university president Harris Pastides announced free packs of Newport menthols would be awarded to every student on the annual President’s List. Calling the program a “cool, relaxing reward for cool, relaxed cats,” President Pastides said “It’s been a tough year on my dudes, with all these goddamn essays and responsibilities — God knows I need a couple heaters after a long day. These kids could use a break.”
The president lauded Reynolds Tobacco, owners of the Newport Pleasure brand, for supplying the school with adequate stock, but maintained the idea was “one hundred percent homegrown,” gesturing to himself with two extended thumbs.
Under the new policy, the President’s List will now include a certificate from the university, a spot on the public list of scholars, one (1) carton of Newport menthols, and a plastic Bic lighter.
“Now I don’t want to hear nothin’ from the Health Center about negative effects,” President Pastides added. “I smoked up startin’ at fifteen, and I’ll be damned if Dirty Harry ain’t a better person for it.”
When asked about the no-tobacco policy instituted in 2014, the president responded that everyone needed to “chill out” and “stop killing the buzz” before taking a pull from a previously concealed pocket flask.