With the NCAA March Madness Tournament tipping off, the Third Spur offers its in-depth preview of college basketball’s top contenders.
GONZAGA BULLDOGS: Look for the perennial powerhouse to dominate the pine through its devotion to Aloysius Gonzaga, the patron saint of layups.
KANSAS JAY HAWKS: The one seed expects a deep run in the tournament, as the alternative is staying in Kansas.
SOUTH CAROLINA GAMECOCKS: Winning isn’t important. We’re just happy to be here.
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJANS/PROVIDENCE FRIARS: Rather than have the two teams play for an eleven seed, the NCAA has combined the squads for the tournament to teach them a lesson in friendship they will never forget.
VIRGINIA COMMONWEALTH RAMS: The Atlantic 10 dark horse contender is always reliable for doing the exact opposite of what you wrote down in your bracket.
PRINCETON TIGERS: Get a load of these fuckin’ nerds. Who let the dork squad in? What, are you gonna make a jump shot with your protractor?
NORTH DAKOTA FIGHTING HAWKS: The team is expected to make some noise in the early rounds despite hailing from a state that does not exist.
1991-92 DUKE BLUE DEVILS: After a twenty-five year drought, the former NCAA champions look to make a splash during their triumphant return to March Madness.
NORTHERN KENTUCKY NORSE: We don’t know anything about them, but expect the Norse to bust your bracket in the worst manner possible.
UCLA BRUINS: No matter how well they do in this year’s tournament, the Bruins have little chance to win back the love of their estranged daughter.
XAVIER MUSKETEERS: Don’t sleep on the scrappy eleven seed — the Musketeers finished third in shots made from just outside the basket and fifth in shots made just a little further back than that.
JOHN CALIPARI: The Kentucky coach will take the court alone this year, singlehandedly serving as coach, assistant, trainer, announcer, student section, and all positions.
WICHITA STATE SHOCKERS: With that name and that mascot, they better damn well be good at basketball.
BAYLOR BEARS: The nimble three seed looks to go as deep as possible before they, too, are implicated in the cover-ups of several sexual assault cases for the sake of athletic success.
BUCKNELL BISON: The Patriot League champions, led by power forward Bruce Moore, imposing center Nana Foulland, and NCAA Coach of the Year Nathan Davis, are the Third Spur’s pick to take home the 2016-17 college basketball title.