The department store Sears announced today that it has begun selling artificial Thanksgiving turkeys made entirely of polyvinyl chloride. Akin to artificial Christmas trees, the product is meant to be seen as a cheap and convenient alternative to authentic turkey. Adding to its convenience, the fake meal is easy to assemble, disassemble, and store until the next year.
“I love Thanksgiving, but cooking a turkey is such a hassle,” said David Spellar, a Sears shopper. “It takes hours! And on top of that it always makes a huge mess! But with an artificial turkey, there’s no mess, and you can set it up in under ten minutes. The best part is that no one can even tell it’s fake! And, although it is inedible, it tastes great.”
“I’ve never been a big fan of Thanksgiving,” admitted Maria Muraro, another Sears shopper. “It just wasn’t as commercial as other holidays like Halloween and Christmas. But now, Sears is finally doing something doing something about that, so Thanksgiving can appeal to everyone. Thanks Sears! You’re a fantastic company and you have not been in a constant state of slow decline since the 1990s!”